 There
once was a writer, an angry young lad.
His writing was bitter and lonely and sad.
Each week he would go see a new picture show.
Each week all the movies continued to blow.
He threw up his arms in a fit of dismay.
“What movie should I go and review today?
Is there anything out there that’s totally neat?
A movie that won’t make me cringe in my seat?”
“I’ve seen pirates and remakes with big superstars,
I’ve seen insecure dudes compensating with cars,
I’ve seen jeepers and creepers and heartwarming crap,
And Jason and Freddy have finally scrapped.”
“But what to do now? Now what shall I see?
‘The Cat in the Hat’ looks appealing to me.
I loved Dr. Seuss as a happy young lad,
So maybe this movie is totally rad.”
The previews were over, the lights had all dimmed
It was time for “The Cat in the Hat” to begin!
So I gave it a shot, how I gave it a try.
Now I want for Mike Myers to go curl up and die.
“Oh Kevin!” I thought,
“Just what were you thinking?
What smoke were you smoking?
What drink were you drinking?”
For the rest of the film, I sat waiting to laugh.
There had to be one in this hour and half.
There was none to be found in this big steaming pile.
The cat could not give me a hint of a smile.
His voice was annoying, his costume as well.
The cat more resembled a creature from hell.
Some jokes were funny.
But most jokes were not.
Is a short kiddies tale
Enough for a plot?
Well, maybe I’d let that little fact slide,
And maybe I’d just try to enjoy the ride.
If the humor was there, where had the humor gone?
And that’s just the start of the things that were wrong.
The scenes and the cast were made up to look hip
But came off as something from a bad acid trip.
And on and on this film limped along,
Spiced up now and then with a horrible song.
So I tell you dear reader to save seven bucks.
In a word, “The Cat in the Hat" flat out sucks.
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