Matt Bielejeski, Columnist

 Y’know that feeling in your stomach that occurs when you see the blue lights flash on behind you?  I thought so.  This feeling has to be the worst feeling in the entire universe (except for getting shot in the stomach with a .12 gauge shotgun, but hey, it’s never happened to me).  It’s no fun to realize that you’ve just been nailed to the wall by some fool with a badge and a quota to meet.

 Ever since my recent ticket, I have been forcing myself to drive exactly the speed limit.  I don’t mean nine mph over or five mph over; I’m talking exactly what the speed limit is.  The beautiful thing is, the poor, luckless souls who get stuck behind my slow-moving barge of a car don’t realize the fact that I just got nailed for speeding.  In order to show their displeasure, they routinely engage in such activities as tailgating, light flashing and the occasional one finger salute.  I just have to calmly sit back and relish in the fact that they, too, will someday get the speeding ticket they so well deserve.  Granted, maintaining this general sense of serenity is not the easiest thing to accomplish, so I occasionally let my finger-pheasant out to stretch its wings.

 It’s situations like these that lead to aggressive driving.  According to Reader’s Digest (I was stuck in a doctor’s office with no other choices but Basketweaver’s Monthly), 74% of the general public feels that aggressive driving has increased over the past twelve months.  Basically the roads have gotten a lot more dangerous since we passed Driver’s Ed. in high school.  Some drivers are psychos that are hell-bent on revenge for your decision to slow down and let someone merge in ahead of you.  God knows that Mr. Speedy needs to drive like Al Unser, Jr. to get to his cheeseburger.
 
 “Ah, yes,” you’re saying, “anyone can complain about bad driving.”  In the span of this column, I propose to not only complain (bitch, moan, gripe, grumble) about the the sad state of our automobile transportation system, I will offer a solution that will allow the more speed-conscious drivers a chance to get back at the average Mr. Speedy-type moron.

 The system that I propose is simple to use, yet quite effective in getting the message across.  Remember those red digital message boards in McDonald’s that scrolled across some message like, “Cheeseburgers only $.34!  Offer only available on Veteran’s Day, Arbor Day and the first day of Spring from 10:50-10:55pm.?"  Of course you do, so I won’t insult your intelligence by trying to jog your memory any more.  I propose to install one of these messsage boards in the front and rear of the car to be used for communicating messages to other drivers.
 
 This is the 90’s, folks.  We don’t need to rely on crude hand gestures and grunting like silverback gorillas to let someone know we’re pissed!  Use the new, electronic FoulFowl!  Use technology to your advantage.  If we can make a computer the size of a calculator, we can electronically insult others!  The FoulFowl comes equipped with eight preset buttons along with hand-held keyboard.  Use the keyboard to key in your favorite phrases (preferably while not driving) and access them with the touch of a button when needed!

 Before I get 30 letters from Peaceaholics Anonymous saying that I shouldn’t encourage aggression on our nation’s roads, let me address that statement now.  The FoulFowl can also be used by caravaning tourist groups or families in a helpful manner, with such phrases as, “Do we take a left here?”, “Mexican for dinner?” and ”I hate Taco Bell.”
 
 So the next time you’re on the receiving end of someone’s automobile aggression, make a mental note to get a FoulFowl installed soon.  This wonderful product will hit the stores just in time for Christmas, the peak aggressive driving season.

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