Justin Bell, Columnist

Although I notice problems everywhere I look, I would like to think I help solve some of them. So here's the problem. Television, God bless it, is not half as entertaining as it could be. When we watch television, we are usually quite disappointed and often insulted. The level of intelligence most TV shows cater to is that of a squid. But I'm not saying that's a problem. TV is not in need of sophisticated programming. Quite the opposite. Let's just look at some examples.

All commercials that try to sell mouthwash, chewing gum, breath mints, soap or shampoo show attractive people all over each other, implying that if you use their product, you will find yourself in a similar situation. Now that's fine with me, but I was taught if something's worth doing, it's worth doing right. The people in those commercials should be naked.

Want to be a sexually confused young person with an eating disorder? Calvin Klein jeans are a good start. According to television, wearing expensive jeans can help you get lucky. That must be my problem. I actually do own a Calvin Klein shirt. You know why? It cost a dollar. Cheap is cheap. To hell with those commercials.

So when did MTV stop showing music? Seems like they ought to change their name. If you are going to call your channel Music Television, you ought to play music and music-related programs. Now they show things like "The Real World". Yes, take five people, with three majorly conflicting religions, two races and four sexual preferences, put them in a house and tap the phone. An interesting formula, but it failed all the same.

And who doesn't love talk shows? Talk shows have become white trash arguing for the semientertainment of the nation. I don't care about people who think they are vampires, people whose parents stole their lovers or people who sold their boss into slavery. Ricki Lake is a fool and everybody in America knows it.

The news:  nothing is more relevant or more insignificant than the spiels which confront humans today. I hate watching the newscaster try to talk perfectly while maintaining that ohsoannoying head movement that makes them look natural. They make happy faces about the dog that saved the kid in the well and sad faces about the 40-car pileup earlier this afternoon on I40. Are they human? Why can't they wear normal clothes? Is something wrong with reading from a card or prompter? Why pretend all this news is just off the top of their head? It's ridiculous.

If you're out to prove the world has gone to hell, look no further than America's Funniest Home Videos. Those voiceovers are the work of the devil. "So which video will it be? Man falls in Wedding, Dog Maims Baby or Cat Steals Volvo?" Now the Fox network has all those specials on America's Somethingest Somethings. You know, America's Worst Police Chases, America's Cutest Children, When Animals Attack America's Dumbest Criminals and The Best TV Sitcom Weddings Outtakes, Part Nine. Just stop already. That stuff is awful. What kind of a society shows people being dismembered by bobcats but absolutely will not show two people making love.

Wonder what's wrong with the kids? Well I'll tell you. Kids shows have gone the way of the dodo. Saturday morning cartoons were replaced with news shows. What happened there? We had Gummi Bears, Dungeons and Dragons and Voltron in our day. Now kids have Barney and Power Rangers. No wonder they all have "issues." You can't tell kids not to get jobs, put them in moronic schools, prohibit drugs and sex, allow nothing dangerous, fun or educational to happen and then make TV suck on top of all that. What's left for them?

 In light of these problems, I propose the people of America go to libraries. Just kidding. TV needs unedited language. We all swear and fornicate. We have all stolen stuff and we all have insulted people. Television doesn't need editing anymore; worse things happen in most of our lawns. That my friends, is the solution to television.
 
 

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