Nay, hoes should stay at bay   By: Mike Boteilho Staff writer 

Yea, hoes are A-OK to pay, I say  By: Nathan McKinne Opinion editor 
  

Nay hoes should stay at bay 

When you and your friends walk down King Street in the coming months, one person might want you to believe that it would be okay if there were two or three hookers trying to pick you up.  Getting a Cowpoke at Macado’s has a little bit different meaning now.  Seriously though, prostitution is just morally wrong. 

A hooker is a walking S.T.D. Who knows how many men or women have been with her already.  All she ever cares about is the money that you will be shelling out for a piece of worn ... Anyway, it’s just a huge problem. 

Think of the cost. A hooker would probably run you about $600-$700. For those Accounting majors already adding in their heads, that’s two months’ rent and a couple of kegs. 

Some people would have you believe that hookers have been around since the beginning of time. Maybe, but what else was there to do? 

Back then, there were not a million and one jobs to occupy their time. In 3000 B.C. only about ten jobs had been invented; slave, temple refinery worker, soldier, farmer, goat herder, witchdoctor, benevolent king, evil king and prostitute. 

Maybe prostitution was the only way one could make money then.  Today things are different.  McDonald’s is always looking for a new happy face. 

Most importantly, sex is something that is supposed to be partaken of with someone you love and cherish and hope to spend the rest of your life with. One would not want to waste his special tool and love on someone who wouldn’t care if he dropped dead in the middle of the road. 

Prostitution should be outlawed throughout the entire world, and I think maybe we now have the power to do it.  We might have to wait two years until Clinton is gone.  It is a major problem that we have to deal with. 

Jerry Springer leads us to believe that one prostitutes oneself because they want to pay for school or maybe have a nice affordable two bedroom apartment for their two kids. Right! 

What ever happened to financial aid? I guess they missed the April 1 deadline to turn the forms in. 

Prostitution spreads disease and rots the collective minds of humanity.  Its expulsion from our society is a major building block toward stronger families, a lower divorce rate, reduced drug abuse, less crime, and containment of disease. 

So, if we agree that we don’t want hookers on our streets, how do we get rid of them?  Community action is the key to removing these disease infested mutants.  If we all join hands, we’ll beat this beast together. 

First, look for the woman wearing the black, lacy teddy in the middle of January. It will not be that hard since every one else is in 10 layers of clothes. 

Next, look for a man with a white leisure suit walking with a lot of  gold jewelry. Picture the man from “Super Fly.” 

If all of these things are seen, find your local, friendly, ready-to-help-you-out police officer in Boone. There’s about a thousand of them, so one should not be hard to find. 

Let’s get these hookers off the streets. 

Yea, hoes are A-OK to pay, I say 

Times are tough in college.  The money isn’t always easy to come by. 

So, I ask the people of this nation, why am I not allowed to fully utilize my God-given attributes? 

A man with a perfect pitching arm is praised when he joins the Major League and takes his team to the World Series. A man with an inherent sense of poetic beauty garners acclaim when he publishes his collection of written words. But a man with the stupendous talent of performing blinding, white-hot acts of lovemaking has no legal moneymaking outlet for his gift. 

Yes, my predicament is a sad one. 

The reason for legalization of prostitution is, first and foremost, freedom.  As long as no one is being injured by my actions, I am not committing a crime.  Far from being hurt, my clients would find themselves locked in the chains of unbridled ecstasy.  My freedom to make a profit through the expression of my physical talents gives others the freedom to relax and drift off on a carefree walk amongst a garden of sensual delights. 

Personal freedom is inarguably the cornerstone of our nation.  Hence, I must look to the common reasons used against prostitution in order to find something with which to bicker. 

Morality is often used to fight against a number of topics including prostitution, but in a nation of countless integrated cultures, whose morality is in charge? 

Morality should be personal.  It should be a driving motivational force for a single person, but it should not interfere with another person’s actions if that person adheres to a different set of morals. 

A study by a Cambridge professor found prostitution to be an active process at work in the penguin culture.  Does this mean those penguins are immoral? 

What about when dogs make-out with my leg?  Are they immoral for doing what comes natural to them? 

If one does not agree morally with prostitution, then that person would do well not to fork over the 50 dollars for the around-the-world service. 
The spread of disease is also a fear attributed to prostitution. 

The issue of health is brought up when abortion is discussed.  In the case of abortion, it is often said that legalization brings about safer operations. 

Similarly, prostitution would benefit from legalization and help remove the factor of disease. 

A license could be issued to prostitutes only if they passed tests for sexually transmitted diseases.  Condoms would be mandated. 
Finally, money must be considered. 

Taxation of prostitution could bring a huge amount of money to the government.  With federal regulators policing this legal practice, the dangerous and unfair role of the “pimp” could be removed.  Money would go primarily to the prostitute with a small percentage going to the government and any fair placement services. 

Yes, right now, my pockets are empty, but soon that’s all going to change.  When sensible people start thinking sensibly about prostitution, legalization is bound to follow. 

I’m ready for the money to start rolling in.