Why do so many neo-hippies drive big sports utility vehicles?

Now, I love driving big trucks.  I learned to drive in a gargantuan Chevrolet Suburban that gobbled up cars and baby carriages everywhere it went, but I also love the earth. 

To me, it’s not like the love between a son and a mother; it’s more like someone you french kiss in the closet during one of those “seven minutes of heaven” games.  

Actually, I’ve never played one of those games, nor have I ever french kissed anyone in the closet, but I am available for parties. 

However, when I come to that party to play that smooching game, you can be almost positive it won’t be in an earth-killing SUV.  

In fact, I’m going to come out of the closet to make a statement.  I propose that Appalachian State University ban all privately owned Sports Utility Vehicles from the campus.

Stop the presses, I know what you’re thinking.  

You think I must be a professional debate team captain or a speech writer for a prominent political campaign, because that opening had a certain zing that you just can’t get out of your head.

That zing wasn’t powered by gasoline, kerosene, diesel fuel, or natural gas.  No, it is completely run off of solar power, two starving hamsters, and a bit of cold fusion.

Yes, my love for the earth extends far beyond closets and lascivious liaisons, and by banning SUV’s, our school could profess its love of this 
beautiful planet, too.   Not only that, we could also be thrust into the headlines of every major publication in the nation.

Think of the attention we would garner if we told all the rich snots to take their new toys back down the mountain.

Earth-friendly groups would lavish us with praise.  Heck, some of those hippie groups might even give us money to help enforce the ban.

California would be aghast.  Someone on the East Coast would have beaten them to making a positive environmental decision.  Those West 
Coasters aren’t any better than us. They put weird stuff on their pizza and come up weak raps.  Let’s stick it to them. 

Returning to neo-hippies, why do so many drive SUV’s?  Automobiles pump toxins into the atmosphere like there’s no tomorrow, and SUV’s are the worst.  So, if the neo-hippies with their “tofutti” and “not dogs” are so environment-friendly, why do so many of them drive environment-munchers?  

I tend to believe that ridding your body of “real hot dogs” really isn’t aiding the global community all that much.  Dropping your SUV off the Blue Ridge Parkway viaduct, however, is an excellent first step.

No, if you really did that, it would have to count for at least two steps.  It would be so awesome to see an SUV careen down the mountain that I can’t even think of what the step after that would be.  

Obviously, the third step would be ditching electric lights in favor of 99.9 percent pure Ivory soap candles. Sadly, I doubt anyone is going to follow through with that idea.  

Neo-hippies aren’t really hippies.  They’re just one more segment of the capitalist regime driving the economy.  Instead of buying overpriced 
clothes at the Gap, they buy overpriced faux-food at “natural” stores.  When their parents come to visit, they wash off the patchouli, put away the hemp, and drive around in the colossal gas-guzzler they snagged for their 18th birthday.

Hey, neo-hippies don’t flip-out.  You’re not the only ones.  It’s everyone.  Business majors, art majors, science majors, and too many professors to count, drive SUVs.

I’m not saying you can’t drive cars, so don’t start crying about how you can’t walk to school from the other side of King Street.  Obviously, we live in an automated society that relies on automobile-driven maneuverability.  

Drive your car, but think about exactly what kind of car you’re driving.   

ASU needs to take a stand and do what daddy’s little princess won’t do herself.

Let’s ban SUV’s; let’s be revolutionaries for once; and let’s prove our love to this big, beautiful, blue-green marble.

And, if there’s time when we’re done, let’s go push California into the Pacific.