Ah, smell that new millennium air. The year 2000 brings new hopes, dreams and burning questions. For many of you, that question is “What are we going to do with all of that toilet paper and water we have stashed in our Y2K fallout shelter?” Yes that’s right, nothing happened at midnight on New Year’s Eve. 

Computers didn’t go berserk, Walt Disney didn’t thaw out and the four horsemen of the Apocalypse are nowhere to be seen. So why didn’t Satan show up and the world come to an end? In a feat of athletic journalism, I spoke with the Ancient One myself and asked this very same question: 

Paul: “So...umm...Mr. Satan, the people of Earth, and students at Appalachian State University particularly, demand to know why you didn’t initiate the Apocalypse on New Year’s Eve.” 

Satan: “First of all, call me Old Scratch, I like that better. Well Paul, I figured that since I have already given Earth such atrocities as call waiting, Pauly Shore and Pokemon, I could wait for another millennium or so. And what with SUV’s, the United Nations and N-Sync, I may never have to do anything at all!” 

Paul: (expression of disbelief) “You mean to say that Pauly Shore is really the son of Satan?” 

Satan: (laughing) “Take heed! There are more like him, too...” 

So there you have it. Except for the pea soup, it was a rather pleasant interview. So why didn’t computers go haywire? I can’t answer this myself, so I took a trip to Washington and posed the question to PC mogul Bill Gates. 

Gates: “How the &^$#&% did you get past security?” 

Paul: “Mr. Gates, why didn’t computers shut down when Y2K started?” 

Gates: “What? Oh, that whole thing was just a ploy to get people to download Y2K bug fixes, in which my company has covertly inserted a program that will turn all of the home PC’s on Earth into a destructive robot that will first lay waste to all of the iMacs in the world and then reduce the world leaders to ashes. Once that happens, the robot/PC’s will proclaim me king of the world and all of its citizens will have to call me Optimus Prime!” 

Paul: {blank stare} 

Whether you want to believe him or not is your own choice. I don’t know...I’m a PC person myself, but I think the iMacs could take on Gates’ race of blood crazed robot computers. 

Well, folks, I’m pretty sure that we don’t have anything to worry this millennium. So sit back, relax, watch “Judge Judy,” and take comfort in the fact that your house wasn’t looted last week. Now, if only we could figure out who Satan’s other sons are.