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Thursday, 20 March 2008 |
Happy Birthday Iraq
Now that the Iraq War has limped into its fifth tragic year, I’m not seeing all of the gung-ho, war hawks – like our Cowboy in Chief – celebrating five years of success in the Middle East.
That swagger that used to typify conservative pundits is gone. You know that swagger. It looked kind of like how A.C. Slater looked when his shirt would get inexplicably ripped off while he was doing something routine like opening his locker.
Back in 2003, everyone was so pumped about war that news hosts sounded more like they were
announcing a trailer in a summer blockbuster with Nick Cage than talking about a military occupation.
Of course President Bush isn’t going to admit that he was wrong, but his tone has changed
significantly – like calling the debate over the war “understandable.”
I found it less understandable that a mere five years ago, two thirds of the country was really sold on
changing thousands of years of traditional tribal culture in Iraq into a nation that wholeheartedly
embraces democracy – you know, like one with a bunch of Wal-Marts and stuff.
But recently, that groupthink majority, which was duped into supporting the war by car magnets and the
media, was starting to calm down from Sept. 11 and actually think this thing through, saying
things like, ‘we should cut our losses and bring the troops home.’
But wait!
There’s Senator John McCain in Iraq.
Wow! What a leader! The Democratic nominee hasn’t even been solidified and he’s right there, spreading freedom in Iran … I mean Iraq.
What’s that you say? The surge is working?
Never mind that lame-duck goof we kind of elected the last couple of times. John McCain sees the
future in Iraq. He’s a bona fide veteran.
He’s wise – I mean, look how old he is. He’s … really old.
And Dick Cheney is there, too!
I don’t know much about Cheney except that he likes to play Most Dangerous Game on his hunting
trips, but he’s there and that’s a good signal of American regime change, right?
Screw it. Let’s see if we can win this thing.
Did Rudy give up when the Fighting Irish said he was too small? I don’t think so.
Plus, I’m not too sure about those other candidates.
I mean, A-rabs don’t like women, so electing her might mean our gas prices might go up again.
And that young fella that keeps talking about change and special interest groups, I’m pretty sure he’s
Muslim.
So that’s that then.
I’ve got to go with my gut on this one. Shoot from the hip, per se. Go with my roots. If it ain’t
broke … well, nevermind.
McCain is going to lead us to freedom. You know, I don’t feel very free yet, but I’m sure if we stay in
Iraq long enough, I’ll feel like I can fly I’ll be so free.
C’mon everybody!
Let’s see that patriotic fervor that led to the capture of Osama … I mean Saddam Hussein.
That’s it! Get back on America’s side.
Who care’s if McCain probably won’t live to see the end of the war? As long as we’re fighting, no one’s picking up chicks in the White House.
Plus, McCain’s a maverick. He doesn’t just do what the party tells him to do – I can’t stand people like
that.
Let’s roll, again.
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