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Veteran music fan gives tips
Concert confusion is no laughing matter.
What if you walked into an underground basement show only to discover a Backstreet Boys cover band?
It could happen to you. Anywhere, anytime.
Fortunately, I’ve composed a list of proper concert dancing behaviors.
To take a line from the eternal source of wisdom of Kimya Dawson, “indie boys are neurotic, makes my eyes bleed.”
Indie kids don’t like to be touched. Even direct eye contact should be avoided.
Dancing
at an indie show should consist of an awkward boogie. It’s better if
you don’t know what to do with your hands, just make sure you don’t
actually touch anyone.
Whereas the idea of a hair brushing against the shoulder of an indie kid is appalling, hardcore shows encourage violence.
You get
10 million cool points for getting accidentally punched in the face.
Should this happen, you must congratulate the person who gave you a
concussion for being “so hardcore!” Brag about it to all your friends.
Emo band
concert behavior is similar to indie behavior. Except instead of
dancing awkwardly, use your hands to wipe the tears from your eyes.
When
seeing a jam band, the appropriate dance is a slight shuffle of the
feet with a vague hip rock. Arms must be extended above the head with
elbows slightly bent. Eyes must be closed so you can better see the
music. You must have your own personalized dance.
If
attending an outdoor music festival, twirling with others in circles is
preferred. A fluffy skirt or giant patchwork pants must be worn for
optimal twirl. Hair must be worn lose and free of the man’s
constraints.
In order
to attend a pop show successfully, you must disguise your self as a
14-year-old girl. There is no dancing involved, just high pitched
squeals and jumping up and down with hands cupped over your mouth in
awe of the lead singer’s amazing hair flip.
Hip-hop
shows require a gentle head nod and a full body sway and toe-tap in
time with the fantastic beats coming from stage. Just don’t mess with
anyone’s posse.
Punk
shows are an entity all of their own. You can make an ironic statement
about how punk is dead with green hair and a leather jacket a la Enid
in “Ghost World,” or just rock the liberty spikes and fishnets.
Either
way, punk dancing should involve lots of jumping and a tiny bit of
flailing, but not too much. You’re all in this together. Stickin’ it to
the man needs to be a group effort.
Never
hit your fellow punk rockers in the face, it’s just impolite. They’ll
probably beat you up and not in the cool kind of way.
As for country rock shows, yelling “Freebird” is always appropriate. And by “always,” I of course mean “never.”
Dancing isn’t necessary, just cheap beer and waving of your Confederate flag.
If attending a jazz rock fusion show, you must grow a goatee, wear all black, quote Derrida and not dance.
Above all, never break the cardinal rule.
Never under any circumstances wear the t-shirt of the band you are going to see.
You will look lame.
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