JON LAFONTAINE
Associate Editor for Online Operations

Appalachian State University has a problem, which is this: most of the people living in Boone are unhappy for pretty much all of the time.

Many solutions were suggested for this problem, but most were largely concerned with the placement of black and gold coloring on Thursdays, which was odd because on the whole, it wasn’t the black and gold coloring that was unhappy.

Many residents are increasingly under the opinion they’d made a big mistake coming to Boone in the first place, many even regretted coming to North Carolina, some the United States.

But, all is not lost, due to the sheer magnitude of The Appalachian Student Publication’s good-willed, selfless, heartfelt and convivial publication entitled: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to Appalachian State University, the sequel Douglas Adams never wrote.

DON’T PANIC.

First and foremost, do not stand in front of a crane holstering the American flag in a pit the size of Montana by the AppalCART stop intersecting College and Howard streets.

The fact of the matter is, said crane will suffer no damage and the brilliance of the American flag will continue to wave in splendor and the person standing in front of the giant crane in the pit the size of Montana will undoubtedly fall to his or her doom, consequently, leaving a legacy at Appalachian in the very mortar of the foundation of the building soon to be erected.

If one manages to avoid a solidified, petrified, mortarfied death, then they should hastily traverse the mountainous terrain of Appalachian to find the best drink in existence, the Roasted Appalachianitic Blaold Projector, also known as “anything but” the house blend at Crossroads. The effect of said drink is like having your insides pulled outside of your body by a silver-lined suction pump with reversed polarity.

But, if one desires to not partake in said hooliganery, then we refer to the second most prominent, in font size and in typeface, guide to Appalachian, consequently counteracting the original advice for the only answer to this problem is: panic.

The debt in our budget is big. Really big. You just won’t believe how vastly hugely mindbogglingly big it is. I mean you may think a $29 million Central Dining Facility is large, but that’s just a mere $270,000 Chancellor’s salary to it.

No worries though, following a brief pandemonium, one may rest soundly with an updated guide including the answer to life, the universe and Appalachian.

Appalachian’s answer is none other than the number 20. Aside from being 10 times two and 100 divided by five, it is also the number of years it will take for the wind turbine above Broyhill Inn & Conference Center to pay back the $533,000 spent for the “really large fan.”

Consequently, if the administration would just keep their fan running, then that 20 years may be cut in half.

The number 20 also represents the 10-year master plan because after the exceedingly fond bureaucracy and red tape, goals may be accomplished after 20 years, but don’t quote this guide on that.

Finally, this guide predicts the dolphins will one day return to the Student Recreation Center, but to clarify, they were not attempting a double-backwards-somersault through a hoop whilst whistling Appalachian’s fight song, but in fact the message was, “So long and thanks for the $25.5 million Olympic-sized pool.”

LaFontaine, a senior journalism and public relations double major from Asheville, is the Associate Editor for Online Operations.

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